strongbademailexe
by Omega799
Summary: Various Strong Bad emails. Rating may change in the future. R&R.
1. Band

Disclaimer: I don't own Homestar Runner, and have no intention of hurting those who do in any way.

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The computer screen reads, "sbemail.exe."

Strong Bad is rapping, "S to da B to da E to da MAIL! SBEMAIL!"

The computer screen reads:

Dear Strong Bad,

Do u have a band? If so, what's it called, who are the members, and what songs do u play?

J, US

Strong Bad reads it like this, "Dear Strong Bad, Do uh have a band? If so what's it called, who are the members, and what songs do uh play? J, us," and says/types afterwards, "What the crap! Ok, first of all, who is this 'u' you speak of? Do you mean moi? Or were you talking about someone else? For the time being, I'll say that you mean moi. Secondly, what do you mean by, 'J us?' Who is us? And how am I supposed to j you when I don't even know what j-ing is? I mean, what the crap do you want me to do? Answer your question, or become confused indefinitely? I'm just gonna go with the first option, just because I like it more than the second one.

"Yeah, I've got a band. I sing and play lead guitar, The Cheat plays rhythm guitar, Strong Mad plays bass, and Bubs is the drummer."

Strong Sad walks into the room. "Uh, Strong Bad?"

"Strong Sad, for the last time, you can't be in my band."

"And for the last time, I don't want to. Marzipan and I have our own band. I was just wondering if I could borrow your guitar for band practice."

"1. No, and 2. I'm giving you and your alternative rock butt zero seconds to get out until I turn my pathetic excuse for a baby _brother_ into a baby _sister_."

"Ugh. Whatever. I guess Marzipan can just use Carol."

Strong Bad turns back to his computer. "Anyway, the name. The band is called 'Stand Strong, Cheat Strong' You know, 'cause it has one word that has to do with each of us. And we play all the awesome songs on our new album, 'A.D.' In fact, I was just on my way to a practice session. The Battle of the Bands is coming up this week."

Easter Eggs

j-ing-A flyer pops up that says, "Strong Sad's J-ing Class."

A.D.-The CD cover pops up, with a statue of Julius Caesar.

Note: I'll write something for the Battle of the Bands as soon as I get someone else to write the lyrics for the songs. I'm horrible as a lyricist.


	2. Girlfriends

The computer screen reads, "sbemail.exe."

Strong Bad sings, "And the e-mail comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHT!"

The computer screen reads:

Strong Bad,

This is Ali and Ali's sister. We saw what you did to our e-mail and x-ed out as soon as we did! How could you do that to us! Now neither of us will go out with you!

Hatefully,

Ali and Ali's sister

P.S. Sorry it took so long to send this e-mail to you. Our computer broke because we hit the mouse so hard when we x-ed out of the e-mail. It's not our fault we were writhing with anger.

Strong Bad says, "What! No! It's all a big misunderstanding! I didn't mean to...! I just...! Well, I...! Anyway, what do you mean it wasn't your fault you were writhing with anger! You're the ones that took it so hard! Okay. Gotta calm down. Gotta find a reasonable way to answer this. Aha! (typed) Okay, Ali and Ali's sister. I don't really care about you. I have a girlfriend. In fact, I was just on my way to a date with her."

Strong Bad runs off the screen and comes back on in Marzipan's garden.

Marzipan asks, "Strong Bad, what are you doing here?"

Strong Bad answers, "I'm here for our date, sweetie pie."

"What are you talking about, Strong Bad?"

"Our date. You remember. We agreed to have a picnic down in Freecountry, by the tire."

"Strong Bad, I never agreed to that. The last time I saw you was the time you asked me to be in that band of yours."

"I think you have it all mixed up, sweetie pie. See, _you_ asked _me_ if you could be in my band."

"I wouldn't ask you to be in that band if you stole Carol, held her hostage, and threatened to break all her strings off and use her for firewood."

"How could such a gory picture pop into your head?"

"Because that's exactly what you did!" Strong Bad grabs Marzipan and smooches her. Marzipan slaps him.

"You're disgusting! What makes you think I'd ever go out with you?"

"Oh, yeah? Well, who needs you? I can find another girlfriend."

At the couch, Strong Mad and Strong Bad are standing behind the couch. Strong Mad is wearing a wig and dress. Strong Bad orders, "Okay, Strong Mad. Just pretend you're my girlfriend."

Strong Mad replies, "I NOT WANNA KISS YOU!"

"You don't have to. I'll kiss you!" Strong Bad jumps onto the couch and kisses Strong Mad on the cheek.

"THAT WAS GROSS!" Strong Mad stomps off to his computer.

Strong Bad types and says, "So you see, Ali and Ali's sister? I don't need you. I have Marzipan and Strong M...I mean, um, Rachel. And they love me. And go on dates with me. And let me kiss them. So there. Um, yeah."

Easter Eggs

dates-Strong Bad and Marzipan are on their "date". Strong Bad asks, "Can you pass the mayonnaise, sweetie-pie?"

Marzipan answers, "I told you to stop calling me sweetie-pie!"

"You wanna turn Carol into firewood?"


	3. Jam

The computer screen reads, "sbemail.exe"

Strong Bad says in a robotic voice, "The email is down. The-the-the-the-the email is down...down...down...down..."

The computer screen reads,

Dear Strong Bad

What's up? Have you been setting fire to Strong Sad's bed? (With him in it, I mean?) Anydangway, on to business: Have you ever been caught in a jam in which you need Homestar, Homsar or someone else that you hated to help you out?

From your long-lost brother,

Strong Matt

Strong Bad exclaims, "Whoa! I've got a long-lost brother! Sweet! Maybe if I find him, I'll have someone else to help me set fire to Strong Sad's bed! And maybe even with him in it!" He types/says this: "Well, newfound member of the Strong family, while the only thing Homestar and Homsar are good at is being stupid (and, perhaps in Homsar's case, coming up with completely random phrases), their help isn't usually needed at all. But there was one time where I needed help in stupidity, and Homestar helped me out. In order for you to understand why I needed stupidity momentarily, you need to know the whole story. FLASHBACK!"

Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, and Homsar are filming _Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective_. Strong Bad says his line to Homsar: "Alright, Devilish Destructor, hand over the secret police files or get a serious butt-whipping; it's your choice."

Homsar replies, "Aa-aa-aagh! It's the Litigation Jackson of our generation."

"Cut! For the thousandth time, that's not your line! Can I get a professional in here?" A limousine drives up and a man dressed in an expensive suit and dark sunglasses steps out. "Holy gosh! It's Lincoln Jackson, writer, director, and producer of the Litigation Jackson movies! What are you doing here? Do you want to produce the Dangeresque movies? Or would you like to offer me some directing pointers?"

"Neither. I'm here to place a lawsuit."

"WHAT! What for!"

"It seems one of your characters has mentioned my movie in yours without my consent."

"That's not my fault! The actor's just stupid! That's not even his line!"

"I'll bet. Want to offer me some proof?"

"Umm..." Strong Bad leans over to Homestar and whispers to him, "I'm not good at acting stupid. Get behind Homsar and say stuff you would normally say, except make it seem like it's coming out of Homsar's mouth."

"For honor and glory," Homestar yells to no one. He dashes behind Homsar. "Duhh...The square root of Monterey is spaghetti."

Homsar actually talks this time. "Aa-aa-aagh! My brain is a thirty-pound can of peas."

"He's got that right," Strong Bad comments. Jackson snickers.

"Okay, you've convinced me. Hey, wanna come to the party I'm hosting tonight. Tons of hot babes will be there."

"Sweet! I'll be there!" The flashback ends.

Strong Bad types/says this: "So not only did Homestar get me out of a tight jam, he also got me invited to this wicked party with lots of H-O-T-T hott babes. I mean, who thought that stupidity could get you chicks? Anydangway, there you go, Strong Matt. Can't wait to meet you!" Strong Bad scoots back his stool, jumps off of it, and walks off screen.

Easter Eggs:

wicked party-Strong Bad is dancing with a "hott babe" at Club Technochocolate. He says, "Hey, baby. Wanna come over to my place tonight?"

Strong Matt-A portrait pops up of a possible Strong Matt. (I haven't figured out how he should look.)

Special thanks to Strong Matt.


	4. How Old?

The computer screen reads, "sbemail.exe."

Strong Bad screams in a Limozeen voice, with Limozeen music in the background, "It's email time, so let's check it check it check it check it! Email time! Just check it check it check it check it!"

As the email pops up, Strong Bad reads aloud, still in the Limozeen voice, "Dear Str--…" Strong Bad clears his throat, and continues, "'Dear Strong Bad, How old are you? Regular of the website, Icecap.' 'Icecap!' What the crap kinda name is 'Icecap!' More like 'Ice_crap_,' if you ask me! I am grateful that you're a regular of the website, though."

"Now, on to your question. Quite frankly, I don't know how old I am. No one knows their true age around here. Most of us just stopped counting after the drinking age. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only guy who knows his age around here is the Poopsmith. It's understandable, seeing as it's one of the only things that guy has to remember. But I assure you, I'm still young enough to party with the ladies. Okay, so until next time…"

Homestar interrupts, "Stwong Bad, I bwought yoww bowthday cake. I fowgot how owd you aww. Could you teww me how many candows to put on?"

Strong Bad whispers back, "Homestar, ix-nay on the irthday-bay! I'm trying to keep my age a secret to el viewers!"

"Now I wemembow! Yoww fifty-thwee! Thanks, Stwong Bad!" Homestar runs off.

"I'm twenty-five!" Strong Bad yells. He quickly covers his mouth, but realizes it's too late, and turns back to the Lappy. "Well, there you have it, Icecrapper. I'm twenty-five. It's not like that's a big deal or anything. As I said, I'm still young enough to party with the ladies."

Easter eggs

NONE! NADA! AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME ADD ANY! MWAHAHAHAHA!

No, I'm not a dingbat. Despite what the shrinks say.


End file.
